I've never written about my Dad before. It feels vulnerable, but really good. 

Tonight I started reading The Council of Dads by Bruce Feiler. It's his story of being diagnosed with cancer and not wanting his twin daughters, who are 3 at the time, to grow up without a father in their lives. So, he does something brilliant and so loving. He invites 6 men, who embody different parts of him, his story, his personality, etc. and asks them to represent his voice in his daughter's lives.

In the midst of chapter 5 I read, "When you lose someone, the loss becomes the dominant memory. You have to build a rival memory."  I realized how true this has been in my life. When I think of my Dad I am immediately sad because of the reality of loss in my life; what still feels like a gaping hole in my heart at times even 14 years after his death. Instead I want to build a rival memory. So I started remembering....

His grin. His twinkling, smiling, loving eyes. His bouncy step (especially early in the morning.) Singing & playing guitar. Playing basketball in the wonder building.  (He would have been a fantastic coach.) The way he'd come home from a long day at work and fall asleep in the middle of the floor.  Wild family games of football-basketball in the living room. The way every kid in the park was attracted to him as he swung from the monkey bars.  Rough-housing, or as he liked to call it "toughness training." Rescuing us from the little gardner snakes that found their way into the basement by picking them up with his pliers while we shrieked and watched. The peace he found in the midst of his battle with cancer. But mostly I remember his eyes, and the love I felt when I looked into them.   

....and as I remembered I found myself overflowing with thankfulness for the blessed years I had with him. He wasn't perfect, but I believe he did the best he could to love God, to love us, to provide for us, and to be a good neighbor and friend to his community.

Americans are faced with an overwhelming number of choices on a daily basis. When you're immersed in this culture it is, of course, normally assimilated into your life, and becomes a normal expectation. However, upon returning from the Race I've immediately noticed the way choice is present in the average American's life at a level not seen in many other places in the world. One example: at the average place almost anywhere else in the world your soda choices are Coke, Fanta, or Sprite? That's it. Maybe Diet Coke if you're lucky, but it's going to cost you significantly more for those chemicals.

There was an overwhelming number of restaurants to choose from for my first lunch out yesterday.   After surviving the year with 2 tank tops in my pack, I opened my drawer to reveal tank tops in almost every color. I made it through the Race with 1 fleece, but hanging on the back of my door are 8 hoodies to choose from. I opened my "hot beverage" cupboard this morning and just stared trying to decide what to drink....coffee, chai tea, black tea, green tea, herbal tea (and this is nothing compared to the drink choices I had filling that cupboard before I left.)   I don't need all of this stuff. I spent the year with many of my choices either limited or made for me, but I've grown very okay with that. It brought a beautiful simplicity to life that enabled me to focus on things that I overlook normally as I'm trying to decide which shirt to wear, which tea to drink, and where to go for lunch.

I'm so thankful for a great first day back. It felt wonderful to sit on the blue couch and laugh and tell stories. I have been so blessed with amazing friends who love and listen well.

I think the strangest thing for me is how at peace I feel. I know I'm not the same person I was when I left 11 months ago. I expected to have a harder time stepping back into old, familiar places knowing I am so different, but His grace is sufficient for all things and so far transition is going very well.  I'd ask for your continued prayers as I know transition and re-entry is a process that will take some time to walk through. 

I want to thank each and every one of you who has prayed, supported me financially, written me encouraging emails, and loved me every day of this journey. I COULD NOT have done this without you, and I am greatly indebted to you for your partnership. Thank you for helping me learn, love, grow, and bring His Kingdom around the globe. This past year has truly been one of the most valuable experiences of my life.

Month 1 - Philippines

I'm riding on a bus with 23 of my squadmates. We just got off a plane from Manila and are headed to Malaybalay for our ministry for the month. I'm staring out the window as we drive on the winding, hilly road through tropical forest. In the distance I see the clear, blue waters of the sea. It's gorgeous. I am in awe of this crazy adventure and my amazing God who called me to it. I love my life.

Month 2 - Cambodia

It's a Saturday morning in Phnom Penh. I'm riding in a tuk tuk on my way to help the nurses and midwives at the free mom and baby clinic they put on. It feels so good to have a few minutes of time to myself on the ride there. I'm checking out the motos with entire families on them and the rice paddies near the river. The air is cooler than expected. I'm getting a chance to use my pharmacy education on the Race. I love my life.

Month 3 - Malaysia

I'm riding on a bus from Kuala Lumpur to Penang with15 women from ouR squad heading to wo-manistry. It's pouring outside. We have a beautiful view of the amazing, modern architecture in KL from the highway. As we venture further it's mile after mile of some sort of palm tree - green everywhere I look. All of a sudden the roof of our "VIP" bus starts leaking on 4 of us (depending on which way the bus shifts.) All we can do is laugh, and pull out an empty Subway bag to catch the rain. I love my life.

Month 4 - Thailand

I'm trying my best to sleep on an overnight bus from Phuket to Bangkok. I put in my ipod and fall asleep. The next thing I know they stop the bus and wake us up for a bathroom and dinner break. I am completely out of it. I get off the bus, but really have no idea where I am or what is going on. I stop at a table where some of my squadmates are sitting and stare at them in confusion without speaking. I go to the bathroom, get back on the bus, and try to fall asleep again. I love my life.

Month 5 - Rwanda

I'm riding in a taxi that's tearing out of the parking lot where I thought we were catching our bus from Kigali, Rwanda to Nairobi, Kenya. We keep asking the driver where he's going, but he doesn't speak English. I call Pastor Moses who's in the other taxi with the rest of our group to ask him what's going on. Turns out we missed our bus (terrible traffic that morning) and so we are attempting to chase it down. We do. Throw our bags under the bus and say a hurried good bye to Pastor Moses. I fall into my seat relieved. I love my life.

Month 6 - Kenya

I'm sitting on a mini-bus from Nakuru to Nairobi. I'm headed to Nairobi to meet up with Michael for a day of planning before the rest of the squad arrives for a mini-debrief. I'm staring out the window at beautiful African plains and zebras as I reflect on the wonderful month God gave me with Team United, Pastor Ayub, Mama Ruth, Timmy, and Tiffy. I am in love with Kenya, and precious orphaned babies, and street children. I'm so so thankful for the experiences God blessed me with! I absolutely love my life!

Month 7 - Tanzania

You guessed it. I'm sitting on another bus. I sat on a lot of them this month. This particular one from Dar Es Salaam to Iringa. About halfway through the ride we start to drive through a national park. The scenery is gorgeous and we are suddenly on a mini-safari. My personal highlight: first time seeing elephants (my favorite animal) in the wild. So much more amazing than any time I've seen elephants in captivity! They are simply majestic! I love my life!

Month 7 (Part 2 - cause I couldn't leave it out) - Zanzibar

I'm resting in a hammock. The sea is 5 shades of blue, green, aqua, teal, turquoise - stunning. The sun is the most intense I've ever felt it. The sand is white. I am exclaiming with child-like enthusiasm every few minutes, "Guys, look at the water!!!" I feel like I've separated myself from my responsibilities as a squad leader for a couple days. It's a glorious feeling! I love my life!

Month 8 - Nepal

I'm sitting on a couch in a restaurant in Thamel. Sitting with me are Michael, Ajay, Raja, and Rakesh. It's our last night in Thamel and we are saying good bye to the precious boys who've stolen my heart this month. We linger at the table as it's clear no one wants to leave. Rakesh keeps inviting me to come to the dance that they'll be going to on Sunday. I keep reminding him that I'll be in India on Sunday. I'm praying for them as we part ways - that Holy Spirit would hover around them until the day that they come to know Jesus and then He'd fill them. I love my life.

Month 9 - India

I'm sitting on a plane from Delhi to Istanbul, Turkey. Wow, I am glad to put this month behind me. I'm so thankful for the necessary, refining work God did in me in month 9, but man, it was not fun and I'm not too sad to say good bye to India. But just when I thought I could easily say I'd never be back, God got me with a last day encounter with a boy begging with his little sister in his arms. Now India has a piece of my heart as well. My God is a genius and I love my life!

Month 10 - Romania

I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom crying my eyes out. I'm broken, I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm lonely. I don't know how I can keep going. But out of the brokenness comes greater intimacy and a daily romancing by Jesus and Romania becomes one of my favorite countries on the Race. Casa Shalom was a delight with puppies, a trampoline, roses and more roses, and the amazing, inspirational Becky! The gypsy people are in my opinion probably the most beautiful people group on the planet. I love my life - even when I'm broken?! Really, I just love my Jesus!

Month 11 - Ukraine

There's a giant question mark looming over my life currently. I'll be honest, it's been completely stressing me out. Just under 7 weeks until I arrive back on U.S. soil and I have absolutely zero idea what I will do when I get there. Of course, I'll joyfully reunite with family and friends. I'll rest. I'll recover. I'll drink a Moxie Java mocha au lait. I'll enjoy me some steak and a sweet potato - loaded - at Texas Roadhouse. I'll even venture over to the Tutti Frutti that's new to Fargo since I left. I'll relish sleeping in my cloud-like bed again. I'll drink a cup of ginger peach tea on the blue couch. I'll discover clothes I forgot I had....ok, I'll stop dreaming and get back to the point.

I don't know what the future holds. I've been trying pretty hard the past couple of weeks to figure it out and it's just not working. As hard as I try I can't seem to get God to show me. I've got several different ideas rolling around in my head. I can make a decent case for why any of them should be my next life step and why maybe they shouldn't be. The bottom line is none of them stick, none of them bring me any peace at this point. Whenever I start thinking about it I just get anxious.

This morning I was sitting in an international church service in Bucharest and God reminded me of something. I love it when He does this. He rescues me....He's really good at it....and He knows I need it!

He reminded me of Kenya, month 6. We'd reached the halfway point of our Race and there was a serious buzz on ouR squad regarding people's post-Race plans. In that season He'd given me a peace....He hadn't said anything too specific....it was just a feeling....a peace....a stillness....I was pretty confident that I wouldn't know what my next step was until I got home.   He was asking me to trust Him.  And He gave me peace in that place.

Somewhere along the way I forgot. I got caught up in other people knowing specifically what they're called to after the Race. I got caught up in my own desire as a planner to know what comes next well in advance. Especially when it comes to something this big. I got caught up in my own dreams; wondering how it will all play out?

Along with reminding me this morning of the peace...the stillness....His presence... He also reminded me of His track record in my life (and throughout the course of history.) He's guided me so clearly. He reminded me of how He led me to the Race last May and how's that's turned out. How thankful I am that He speaks and moves in His perfect timing and not a moment before. Why don't I trust Him?

And so I wait....in peace....in stillness....at rest.

Michael and I with the ladies of Team Hadassah: Leyna, Lacey, Emily, and Shannon at the ballet

 

 

Picking cherries...so much fun!

 

 

Cleaning up the grounds of a village hospital near Bucharest.

 

 

 

It's funny because one of the first days I was here I was thinking about how when I returned home from the Race I'd need a spiritual hospital to recover, get refreshed and refilled. God had different timing, and this is my spiritual hospital. I have an incredible, comfortable room. There are beautiful, huge rose bushes all over on the grounds, specifically one right outside my bedroom window blooming tons of peachy, pink colored roses (and they smell great!)  They make me smile often. We also have 5 puppies roaming around the grounds. They are so precious! We have a trampoline and a ping pong table to bring out the child in me! (The only thing to top it off would be ocean waves to splash around in.) :)

Team Hadassah has been so sweet checking in on me. I'm so thankful to be staying with such a compassionate and fun team of women! Shannon and I got out on a shopping/Starbucks date at the mall yesterday evening and I felt so normal. Thank you Jesus!

Michael took a risk the day I fell apart. He emailed the squad to rally them around me, and when I found out I didn't handle it well. I felt so fragile and vulnerable. My heart felt so exposed when I found out he'd sent an email and not said anything to me first. But God used it to push me to another level of vulnerability that I want to live at. And at the end of the day I felt incredibly protected by his actions. God showed me that this is another way a brother can emotionally protect a sister - something I don't think I've really experienced before.

OuR squad has been so wonderful in praying for me, and sending words of love, life, truth, encouragement, and hope my way. I find myself so thankful for each one of them and the absolutely amazing people that they are. They hear their Dad's voice and they know how to speak what He's saying into a situation. I love them so much!!!!

Two days ago it all came crashing down on me. I'd been in beautiful Romania for a few days. I'd come down with a terrible cold, and on top of the cold symptoms I had this fatigue I couldn't shake. Even though I was exhausted I couldn't rest. I couldn't dial down enough to just relax and let my body rest. I'd lay on my bed feeling like I needed a nap, but my mind would race keeping me from sleep.

I found myself Tuesday afternoon slumped in a pile on the floor. I was on Skype with my field support in the AIM office, the incredible Andi Wendel, sobbing uncontrollably. "I don't know how I can do this for two more months. I've got nothing left." I was beyond verbal processing. I was just a pile of tears and snot. I was realizing how the "normal" life I'd created in this World Race season had left me in quite a mess at the beginning of month 10.

I was face to face with my complete weakness. Face to face with my issues, my stuff, my mess. Loneliness, my struggle with being vulnerable and open and trusting, a desire to always feel perfectly in control, perfectionism, fear of what people think of me and the decisions I make, comparison with those around me.

Andi immediately recognized the gravity of the situation. She gave me permission to rest. Permission that sometimes I am unable to give myself, even when I am telling those around me how important rest is, and to make sure they take time to rest, etc. In fact, she mandated that I rest, taking pressure off of me. She encouraged me to be open with Team Hadassah about my loneliness and need for friendship. She told me to take off my leader hat, to not check my email for a week, to let Michael and our amazing logistics people, Matthew and Shannon, take care of business on Basecamp.

She spoke the full truth and reality that I am not in control. God is in control.

And then she prayed for me. One of the most blessed things about this Race for me has been the moments when I'm sitting in Kenya, or India, or Romania, and Andi is praying for me in Georgia, and I can feel my heart and mind shift, and the atmosphere around me shift in response to her heartfelt prayers to her Daddy. She is a woman of wisdom beyond her years and great spiritual discernment. I am so incredibly thankful for her presence in my life!!

After I got off Skype I felt so fragile, so vulnerable, my heart was afraid. Feelings of failure tried to creep in. How could I just let it all go? Who will take care of everything? What would I do? What will my ministry contact think? What will the squad think? How can I just rest?

The reality of how much of my identity I still find in what I do hit me. The reality that I am currently in a place where I don't even know how to just be because I've been so wrapped up in doing.

And so I began a season of sweet rest and restoration.